I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
