Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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