At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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