I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
