i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
