Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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