Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
