I just made out with a guy for $7.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
