Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
