I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
