my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
