oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
