he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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