You're a womanizer and a bitch.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
