Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
ok first of all what the fuck
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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