I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
