if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
