I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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