My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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