Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
