And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
