The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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