Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
