so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
