my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
