U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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