So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
