her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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