My nipple is on Facebook.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
