Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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