come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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