Cold hands, warm shart.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
