I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
the liver wants what the liver wants
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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