Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
