How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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