hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
