Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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