My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
