Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
