Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
