I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
