I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dicks are not precious.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
