i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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