They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
