: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
