I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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