I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
