I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
this hospital has no fireball
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
