Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize