Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I smell like Dick and happiness
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