you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize