ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize