god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
