2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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