There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
