My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
