I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
