Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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