Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize