Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
