i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
