I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
