i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
