I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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